Alternate title: Why I am a rubbish mum part one
MUM! MUM! MUM! mummy mummy! MAMA! MAMA ! mom? mom? MOM?! MOM!!!!!!!!!!!! mummy? (yell, murmur, scream, flail arms)
Wha? Hey bunnies. It’s Saturday. Go have some cereal. Turn on the TV. Mummy will be down in a minute. (sigh, glug water, fluff pillow, lay down, pray to all of the gods)
7:17 (commercialism comes on)
MOM! mummy!!? MOM!!?! (wont come into the room as they know they are waking Manboy up for the second time before 8-fucking-AM)
huh? ok boos what?
MOM WE NEED YOU! mummy come play. MOM! wake up mummy, MOM GET UP YOU LAZYASS! mummy we miss you with hearts and rainbows!
OK babies, get mama a glass of water and mummy will get up ok? (passes out on pillow for the precious 15 seconds)
i would like to point out, for the record ,Judge Judy, that these kids are almost 7 and 9. seven and nine. They have a whole cupoard of ‘kid food’. they have been using the toaster for years. They CAN pour a bowl of cereal. Ahem.
Hi girls, just let mummy put the kettle on and have a coffee
GUYS. (deep breath 1..2..3..) just let mummy get a coffee ok, be right with you…
And this shit goes on for HOURS and hours and lightyears. Until like, say 9:30.
OK, so what do you want to do today girls? go to the park? feed the swans? Go to Cathedral green? Stay at home and watch iCarly all day?
Girls? kids? babies? KIDS!!!
Did you want to go to the park or whatever?
NO. no mummy no NO. WATCHING TV.