Gnomes and Nits, a mother’s tale

I just made myself a tea and a glass of water. Sharp kitty broke my ashtray, spilled my tea and drank my water. This is my life. I am a vessel for the taking y’all. Drink of my life juices all of creation! (great, now Cat is puking up my water and most probably a mouse for me to clean up later. huzza!)

So we have gnomes now. Garden gnomes. I am not sure how this happened. I was pretty sure that I was going to make it through life without gnomes of any kind.


Let’s just be clear here. I hate garden gnomes with a firey passion of the christ. Unfortunately, The White Rose does not. She found some gnomes in a , tip, bin.. uh..skip? dumpster near our house. Some poor old bird died and they threw all of her ten thousand gnomes into the trash. This made both of my children sad. They needed the gnomes. They wanted to love them and give them new homes. God only knows what my British neighbours thought we were doing going through trash and gnoming it up.

One of the gnomes is a girl gnome. She has a lantern and a beard. (Don’t judge). I now have a girl-beared-gnome that has to come in at night because The White Rose thinks that “her dreams will get wet” if we leave her outside. Copernicus the homicidal monkey is less scary than this gnome-thing. I have to pretend to love it and give it naps and who knows what else the kid will make me do to it before I come unglued.

I can’t type ‘gnome’ anymore. I feel ill.

Let’s talk nits then shall we? Honestly, I am more grossed out by the …lawn ornaments… than I am by nits these days. I hear through the grapevine that kids in the U.S. do not get head-lice anymore. I believe this. I only knew one kid that had them in all my years of (primary/elementary) school. Here? England 2012? Everyone has them. All of the kids. All of the time. I swear that I am not making this up.

I have done everything but shave them bald, but they just keep coming back. I have become like a monkey-mum. I am constantly grooming them and picking at their hair. Oh sure, we do the chemi’s and the combs, but it makes no noticeable difference. I can kill them in my family, but then some nasty kid hugs my kids and REPEAT AND RINSE. Forever. It is like one of the seven circles of hell. And OMG, my kids have bugs. I cannot stress how awful this is.

But the Brit-mums? they are so calm about it. “yes, my daughter had them until she was 14. they grow out of it.” “oh, i know, you just have to keep at it until they are in highschool” “nevermind, just use the comb on them every day!”


Since i am not allowed to spray them with kerosene or DDT, I guess this is my life now. Nits and Gnomes.


5 thoughts on “Gnomes and Nits, a mother’s tale

  1. Kids in the States DO get lice! If you don’t believe me, I present to you: HAIR FAIRIES, a CHAIN of “lice removal salons” in the U.S. Don’t ask me how I first heard of it, because I am working like hell to repress *that* memory. I like to think about what it must be like for salon employees to answer the question, “So what do you do?” at a cocktail party or something like that. Everybody probably backs away from them reeeal slow.

    • ewww. I have heard of ‘those salons’ over here as well.I would LOVE to hear that answer though. “oh, i’m a (nit nurse, hair stick yuck lady) Stylist. ahem.

  2. Oh Dear God! If there’s anything I hate more than gnomes, it has to be nits! When my kids were small, they brought home a note from school saying that there was an outbreak of headlice in the school. I immediately dropped my hold on their grubby little hands and marched them straight to the pharmacy. I undressed them on the porch of our home, burned their clothing and covered them head to toe with nit killing shampoo. As it was winter time, I probably risked having Child Protective Services after me. I never really saw any nits on them, but one can’t be too careful. I itched for a month just from imagining critters living in my hair. Ugh! Can’t you just send them to convent school or something till they outgrow this when they are 14 or so?

    • Oh i have so totally done that! I HATE thinking about them! It makes me itch and itch and nit-comb my hair until there is nothing left. Oh So Awful. So, i have to ask, did it work?

      • Starle, either it worked, or the kids never actually had lice. I took them to the doc and he didn’t see any either. That didn’t stop me from itching though.

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