I get to be embarrassed to be American today. (Thanks) Subtitled: Why there are Slugs in my Pants

Seriously? I just don’t get Americans sometimes. It is on days like today that I can side-eye the people who say ‘why do you want to live here in the UK?’

OMFG YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO do what ABOUT HEALTHCARE?

This is silly. Stop it. You are embarrassing yourselves. And Me.

What is it that you think will happen if ‘Obamacare’ happens? Even the BBC cannot make sense of your attitude. I do not know if you have noticed, America, but there is a Whole Wide World out side of your little red-white-and-blue bubble and there are bigger issues than whether or not some poor kid gets to go to the doctor. Jesus Wept.

I hope it stays as Obamacare. I think that is a fitting tribute, even though it is  ment to be an insult. I live every day with ‘socialized-nazi-care’ and I haven’t been sent to the death camps yet. Y’all  crazy. Please go have a seat… \_… on the crazy train.

The thing that affects me personally is that i am like the ‘Lone Ethnic In The Room’ here. People will ask me to speak for all Americans. I …I …I JUST CAN NOT defend you this time guys. The next time someone says ‘Gosh, what IS the problem with healthcare?’ I am just going to say ‘You know what? I have no fucking Idea. Americans are Assholes, but you knew that already.’ Christ was a Roman on a Popsicle stick.

Is it too much to ask, that the last remaining sane super-power act less like a toddler and more like an emerging adult? Get It Together America.

Ok, rant over. In other news; we went to the dentist. (OMFG AND IT WAS FREE FOR THE KIDS I KNOW THIS IS SO TERRIBLE) I have to go back. I do so hate dentists. We are getting ready to watch the Euro 2012 finals on Sunday. I have no idea who to support. I guess Italy. I defrosted the freezer again. I hung out my laundry and it rained and then it got all covered in slugs and I had to wash it all twice. I found out that Little Stormbringer can spell ‘fucking’ perfectly. I win at parenting.

Now all i have to do is explain to my kids why america (lowercase) is in the news today. I BET they will be just as clueless as me.

Defrost the Freezer Rooney!

Yep, it is that time again.  That time for me to Defrost the Freezer and yell the three words Come On England!

(yes, we had the refrigerator, but that is so different, ahem)

I try and just let the rules of football come to me by watching. I only ask questions if i am so completely fluxomed that it will ruin the game for me if i don’t know. This is working out for me pretty well as I can now tell the ‘shape’ of the teams.

Football fans will see this as not a ‘shape’ but as 2-4, 2-2. 4-6….ok, i dont know… but i see SHAPES OK? I can see the maths of the game and i can see why it is called (get this Americans!) The Beautiful Game.

I am willing to bet, however that Colleen Rooney is not defrosting her freezer today. I’ll be willing to bet that every house-maid in the UK is getting the laundry either in or out this morning as we either have SUN or RAIN…well mostly rain…

Me? well i will be cleaning up one bird and two mice (THANKS CATS), looking after my poorly family. That means they are sick…uh…in the UK term and in the US? uh..lets just say I WILL HAVE a lot of things to clean. ahem.

Rooney……defrost your freezer. The Germans are coming.

The ‘Special Relationship’ explained (no sub-titles required)

So I have been asked recently to explain the weird thing that British people do, when they put down Americans. I think I can help make some sense of this.

All of the stereotypes! “yea! WOO! nice monocle dude! ” (sigh)

Your average american on the street loves ‘The English’ with extra loves. They cannot understand why this is not enthusiastically reciprocated. Allow me to shed some light on this.

America, to the Brits, is like a 13-year-old daughter. Annoying, pompous, silly, and so totally convinced that they are cooler than everyone. (yes, i know we are, but still…) I am not sure if Americans are aware of this but let me tell you a little secret…they think that…they blame us for…they feel that it is America’s  FAULT that they no longer have an empire.

Yes, you may say, but we DID win those 2 wars for them! Uh, yeah we did, but they seem to take offense at this, and we DID kinda make them give up the odd country or so…and pay us for the privilege of saving their dumb asses from Germany TWICE, but…DO NOT SAY ANY OF THE ABOVE TO ANYONE IN THE UK EVER.

Manboy would like to point out that he agrees with Al Murray, Britain is the undefeated WW champions, because if you are not in it from the start, you’re not in it at all. (what-ever)

Also, America likes to make fun of the ‘English’ whenever possible as well. No, we do. Let me give you an example from the ever-loving-hell that is the Disney Channel. Said about the one Brit kid in the ‘american-high-school-laugh-track-show’ : “Cricket? wicket? let’s tell him where to stick it!” Um…..

Also, isn’t it just great to have every villain ever be British? Yeah, we do that too.

So it isn’t fair to think that the Brits are all hating on the US. Americans do it right back. I think that it is best to think of the two countries like siblings. The UK is the sensible older brother, the US is the annoying little sister. We love each other, but we show it by punching and tickling and the-pulling-of-the-pigtails.

THAT is our special relationship.

Jubilee with Squee! (I never)

Well, it’s the last day of the Diamond Jubilee and I am glad because I do not think I can handle any more British goodness. Last night was amazing. I have no words. THAT concert? So incredible. I think even the land snail was moved to tears. Tears that had nothing to do with the wee dram of Jubilee beer that he had.

And it was the best day that the kids have had so far as well. They were freeking thefuckout during the concert. Will.i.am, i think you must have been adopted by some freekish Brit parents because i have no idea where the fuck you came from all of a sudden no clue how you got so lucky. I wet myself during the Tom Jones bit. Robbie must have been kept in a cage like a bated bear to be able to pull that shit off. I…I…did you see some of that fantastic-ness guys? Can you hulla-hoop for 4 minutes while singing when you are near a gotdamb pensioner? Dame Elton? You dressed down for the occasion but you made me cry. Sir Paul? I do not even have words for the holy-deliciuosness that you made happen.

I have seen some things, I have seen some concerts. Some of them on 20 hits of acid, but I HAVE NEVER experienced anything like THAT.

When HRH The Queen walked out wearing a black over-coat we GOT FUCKING RELIGION REAL QUICK. Please join us all, and pray to whatever gods that you can think of, for the speedy recovery of The Duke of Edinburgh. 

What really touches me about all this, as an American, is how patriotic everyone is. It’s like everyone has been holding their breath since WW2 and suddenly gave a collective UNION FLAG EXHALE WITH ADDED SQUEE! It is simply amazing. America has three days every year when we do this all together, but it just is not done here. For four days, everyone gets to be PROUD and WAVE FLAGS and….it’s like…Memorial Day mixed with the fourth of july with added x-mas, new years eve, and 9/11. I wish  that I had the words to explain it properly.

I hope we get to do it again in ten more years.

Mice in my Ukulele, Americans are (not) stupid, JUBILEE!!!!!!

These three things have something in common, I promise.

You know how cats think that a Closed Door is the entrance to Narnia? Well Manboy and I thought it was adorable that Sharp kitty thought that Narnia was inside a ukulele. For a half an hour. Then I went to get another Jubilee Beer and saw her face. “WHAT is IN there?” I said, shaking it. meeeeeee said a little mouse.  The mouse was let go safely away from the doom cats. Hopefully Camalot the mousie will be as lucky as the horse that I failed to bet on today.

Yeah, also I cannot figure out what side I am on, being Mid-Atlantic and everything. I am both American and British.

I cannot rembemer the words to God Save The Queen, because it is so mixed up in my head. In America, I know that i knew the  American words to this song. Here, I sing a mixture that i mumble to the tune of ‘England the Star-Spangled-Save Our Glorious Queen’. I know that none of this is right. I still sing it better than Wayne Rooney.

Here is where I get REALLY conflicted though. The Brits do not seem to be able to enjoy any major event without putting Americans down in some small way. I know that this is hurtful and inexplicible to my friends in the US who would no more do this than burn our own flag while wearing it. But it is SO TEMPTING.

I saw a video of an American asking “Why did they build Windsor Castle so close to Heath-row Airport?” And I wanted to cry. Take a minute.

THE JUBILEE IS SO AWESOME ALREADY THAT I HAVE BEEN SNIFFY ALL DAY. Every time I see the Queen i start tearing up and whimpering the only words that I know to her song. I feel so very lucky to be here for this you guys. And this is only the first day. Everyone here has turned friendly and happy and there are flags out and everything! It is AMAZING!

I think everyone is enjoying this weekend and celebrating. I hope you are too.  God Save our Glorious Queen!