I think I may have committed a dog crime. I need advice.

By now you all know that I was trapped in the USA for almost four months. Yeah, there are rules for immigrants to the UK. (As long as you are American that is) Many , many rules.

Anyway, so I was minding my own  wine business when a hound happened. It was a Saturday and my kids and adopted dog were out playing. suddenly a hound appeared. It had a shock collar on, but apparently it gave zero fucks about that and had just run through the pain. It seemed entirely pleased with life and was happily playing with the other dogs and kids.

Except there are no stray dogs in my mothers gated community. This was now A Problem.

Take off shock collar. Check the hound’s collar. Has a number. Call number several times. Wait.  Leave msg. Wait. Have more wine. Call the pound. Wait.  Call Animal Control. Wait and wine. Use Google maps to find the hound’s house. Tap fingers. (meanwhile, hound is either running around the house eating cats or locked in the garage destroying everything)

So naturally I say to my mother “I’ll just walk it home then, shall I?” Seams reasonable. I can at least put it back in its yard and hope for the best?

This hound is not leash trained. And by Not Leash Trained I mean it is trying to kill itself on a lead. This hound acted like it was on a hunt and needed to Go Faster and/or was a sled dog and needed to Pull All Of The Things. We both nearly died walking down the damn driveway. I am so sure we are never going to make it the three blocks. (this was after the raccoon so I am expecting the worst, people)

One of my mother’s neighbors drives by. She owns many hounds. She sees me basically flailing a hound down the road and stops. I explain and she offers to drive me to the house. With her hounds in the car as well. I am now officially in insaneville and wishing I had either more or less wine. We get to the house. Car in the driveway, garage open. No one home.

The hound is clearly excited to be home! (the hound is excited by everything) There is a similar shock collar in the garage. There are fucking cabbage patch dolls and collectible ‘dolls’  all over the inside of the house. I know, I banged on every door and yelled at every window. No one is home. I check to see if the door is locked. It isn’t.  I put the hound in the house. I leave.

Just to re-cap here: I have put a dog inside of someones house. I realistically have no idea if this house belongs to this dog. I mean, sure, it was an educated guess, but still a guess. I am wondering if this is an actual crime. I still have no idea if these people got home and said “huh. I put the dog out this morning and now all of my dolls have been eaten” or perhaps “Oh good! Benji is HOME!” or worse, “WHAT?!!? Who put this motherfucking dog in my motherfucking house!”

Well? What would you have done? Please, please tell me. I am sure someone out there would have had less wine  is more sensible than me.


8 thoughts on “I think I may have committed a dog crime. I need advice.

  1. To be honest I’d probably have done the same but with the addition of hanging round for a while to check the cabbage patch doll carnage. I’m a bad person. I may have even put them all in reach. I think the solace you take here is that you tried. Others would have just shot the damn thing. You did what was reasonable. If the dog didn’t belong there then they got a lucky new pet. If it did then great. If it turned the dolls into something like a horror film then they should be insured and can use the cash to buy some TY Beanie bears instead. Now I almost dare you to go back and this time put a raccoon in there! X

    • Girl, I feel you. Those dolls were EVERYWHERE. Stacked on the window ledges, stacked on the piano. (word) Stacked on the couch. This house had CAT WOMAN written all over this mother and STILL…i put a dog in.
      And YES, it so could have been @welp shoot it then! just like the raccoon.
      LMAO TY BEANIE BABIES. we will have to answer for that shit someday.
      If i EVER go back to America, i will so put a raccoon in. with a note. Love, from The Intrepid Tart.

  2. HAHAHA! This is hilarious! I once took a dog back to its house and when the people came to the door, the dog just darted in. I looked at them for a moment and then said “I hope that’s your dog.”

  3. Ha ha ha. I’m trying to imagine what I would have done if I’d come home to find a strange dog in my house and total mayhem. It probably belonged to the previous owners!

  4. I cannot leave a stray dog either. I’m afraid it might get hit by a car. I’ve picked up quite a few and if they don’t have an identification on them, I drive them to the shelter. My husband likes dogs too, but he’s a bit more hesitant to pick up a stray Rottie or Pit Bull than I am. The problem here is that anyone that has all those weird ass dolls is a sick person. I hate that the poor hound had to live in that weird ass home. I might have kept it and just let it eat the cat and the tiny kids as well. But then, that’s me.

    • The dolls were hella weird for sure. The house looked like desperation and sadness. I can only pray that at least one woman lived there. Maybe I should have checked the basement for prisoners.

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