I am raising a racist douchbag. I am sorry.

One of my kids is so embarrassing, it is beyond belief, and it isn’t the one that you think.

The White Rose is hugely, massively inappropriate. She is also racist. I wrote about it once here. It is depressing.

All of the things that I am about to tell you really happened, for real, in public. I might as well put it on the internet. Maybe this will help with worldwide birth control.

I was at a bus-stop with my kids, trying to give then a nice day out at an adventure park. There was a lovely little-old-lady at the bus-stop with us. I had brought one of Little Stormbringer’s friends with us. She crouched down to look at herself in a puddle. My lovely little daughter says “looks like yur takin a SHIT!” No. OMG no. Yes, I pulled her aside and had a long talk with her, but I do not remember what I said because all I remember was SHAME.

On the same day we got on the bus with the same little old lady and one of my kids said: “Why is the bus full of Old People? It’s like a graveyard in here!” I will admit to not parenting much at this point because I was holding on to my forehead and trying to die a quiet, private death.

I once took my kids to get a manicure. I had the same friend of my daughter’s with me and also my niece. We went into a very nice salon owned by a Vietnamese family who’s children also attend school with my kids. We were passing the time by poking my phone and playing I SPY. “I see something with my little eye that starts with the letter C!” says my Devon Dumpling Daughter. Chair? Coat? Clothes? Colours? Nope! Give up? “CHINESE PEOPLE!”  omfg.  No, honey, they aren’t Chinese and that is not a nice thing to say at all and…”BUT THEY LOOK ALL CHINESE LOL!”  She even said LOL.

I am raising a racist douchbag and I am sorry.

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Customer Service. Worse in the UK or the US? You decide.

I cannot name the UK ‘business’ yet but I will name the US one.

I bet you want to hear about the UK one because we are used to awesome service in the US.  

These fools…\……../   so many seats. They have not only failed to fix any of my past cars, but they are breaking my current car. I take my car to them to fix and they break it. How is this possible? I told my mother about the lack of any clue these boys had and she was appalled.  “do you need me to send some ol’ boys over there to show ’em?” 

Yes, please. These idiots cannot work my car alarm and they need help. This is all true. If you cant work the alarm, i do not want you touching my car, fools. Watch this space for me to slam them. 

I Can name the failure of customer service in the US that I got today. CHASE JP Morgan…you fail at everything. I cannot think of a name bad enough to call you.

I spent 18 minutes at international rates trying to tell Jose that I PROMISE that you need to pass me to someone in Business or International. 18 minutes of this fool….

Then I hung up on you, ’cause you knew i would rate you badly, then called back and said *pleaded* for someone to transfer be to business banking. Then I got someone. I thought she had a single clue. I really did. Then after 22 international minuets, she gave me the number for ‘International Banking’

MA’AM……

If anyone knows a good mechanic in the UK tell me. As long as it in in England or maybe even wales, or, fuck it Scotland…

If anyone knows anyone involved with Chase… just tell me. Or my mother. 

The top ten things I miss about living in America (England bashing again)

I love the UK. I never want to leave. No, really, I am never leaving Devon. If I need a passport, then no.

BUT, there are some things that I would love to have here. My top Ten list starts with:

1. A dryer. look, my man is buying me a new washer-dryer thingy. cause he loves me. But it will still be a euro washer-dryer thingy, powered by wind and sadness. See my illustration on why USA  has better appliances. COAL and NUKES. just give me dry clothes. *sob*

2. A refrigerator. Could I please have a fridge that holds food and keeps it cold? Like, if i have food in, could it keep it cold for a day or so?  If i buy apples or meat, I would like them to stay OK for two days.

3. Ice. just ice. I have given up on ice in the UK. Ice tea would be awesome. I will never realize this dream.

4. local news. Can I have the weather for my city? Or tell me what is happening here? the BBC is great and all, but what happened today in my city? no idea.

5. sport. I am so tired of football. (soccer) Rugby is where it is at. and they put the ball backward. At least I didn’t have to live thorough March Madness. But at least, in the US, I understand the rules.

6. Police. in the US, when you call them, they come. In force. With help. Helpfulness.  I cannot overstate this.

7. school busses. Yellow, pretty busses. They pick your kids up, then drop them off. At/to your door. USA USA!

8. I am struggling here…OK, Food. massive food. when you go out for breakfast you embark on a food challenge. With 4 eggs and hash browns.

9. lack of actual fascists/communists.  you think you have them, but, i promise that you do not.

10. Patriotism. Please, can we have some of it in the UK? I miss it. I want to cheer for my side.

So, ten reasons I miss the US. I could give you as many that I would never move back, but I didn’t . Keep calm and have a well deserved seat. ❤

Awkward conversations with your kids part 217.

So you know that you can’t actually post yourselves on youtube?

DUH mum! Go away!

But your comics are ok, but not your actual selves, right?

Duh mum, yuk.

But we have talked about this, right?

YES MUMMA (sneeks MSP stuff on internet)

OK, but if you are 11 and someone wants to see your boobs, thats…what would you do?

BREAK UP WITH THEM….only…

only what/??

I will tell you mum.

?

This is going to be massively hard.  looking after after girls and boys of this age is going to take a LOT of effort.