I just did the Grossest Thing. Why my Kids are Disgusting. (part II, article 7, sub-law 26b)

Happy Bank Holiday! Wanna hear how awful my kids are already?

OK, here is the Gross thing. My youngest, The White Rose, got her finger pinched in a lawn chair while making ice-creams in the back garden with her sister. She cried. As soon as I heard the Wail Of Pain, I ran to go see to her. This is how the conversation went:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OWIE OWIE WAAAAAA

Me to older sister: Is she ok? (meaning, how much blood do I need to expect)

Yep, she’s fine.

I’M NOT FINE! I HATE YOU! YOU STUPID SISTER! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…

So, I console the child, rub her owie hand, and give her a cuddle. Then I did the gross thing.

Ya know how you kiss the tears away? Kiss each tear on the face and make a giggle happen and all is right with the world? That thing? (please say yes)

Well a huge tear drop landed on the arm of the child and i ‘kissed it away’. Then my oldest looks at me with her best Face ever and says: “Mum. that wasn’t a tear.”

I look at this child in my arms and notice that she is DROOLING with sadness and OMG I JUST ATE MY KIDS’ SPIT!

This really happened. The good news is that it made everyone laugh and the owie feel better. The bad news is that I ATE MY KIDS SPIT!

Ugh. So far today, I have had Little Stormbringer (oldest) chew on my robe and cover my arm with drool, threw out one pair of my kids underwear because that was just too yucky to even wash, cleaned cat puke out of my toes,  and ATE SPIT.

Going to be a super fantastic Bank Holiday for me then!

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I Like Yorkshire Tea. This isn’t the worst thing that I will say today.

What is it with Yorkshire anyway? Can we all chill a minute, and just discuss?

Let’s take the cockney rhyming slang my man busted out with the other day.

“I dont have a Scooby”

scooby, scooby doo, do, clue,. ok, FINE.

I don’t have a clue.

LOL how hilarious.

America, i want you to help us in the UK now. We do the melting pot. the UK is having a minute about some terrorism. (i know IRISH whatever) America, we are good about a lot of things. This is one of them.

We all guilty of putting up with this shit. Lets not be all crazy about it. (i really do like Yorkshire tea.)

 

so to quote 8 mile ” I’ll end this with a Fuck you and Have a Nice Day!”

How to make nice and be Friends with the British

I had an email from a reader expressing her frustration at being an American expat. I was thrilled and touched, of course, so I emailed her back. She had questions. She was also a bit confused about not having made any friends in the UK yet.

But she is from the Midwest like me, and, like me,  she Is So Friendly.

Brits, are you seeing the huge problem here?

I didn’t when I moved here. I was Super Fantastic and Friendly All Of The Time! Why didn’t they want to talk to me? Why did they seem to visibly shrink when I greeted them? Why didn’t they want a hug for Christ’s sake!

Now, clearly this girl isn’t as bad as I was. I was bad.

I would go on the dreaded school run and try and..ya know…talk to people. Introduce myself, ask them about their kids, ask about their lives, tell them about mine. This is how I had spent my entire life in the US interacting with other humans.

This is not how you interact as an American ‘Off the Boat’ and trying to make friends in the UK. Not if you want friends, that is.

Over several years of reading Expat blogs from both sides of the pond, experimenting with British-life-forms and talking to my husband and his circle of friends, I came up with the following fool-proof method of ‘cracking the ice’ in the UK.

Mind, this takes 6-8 months not minutes. (in the US it might not be even that many minutes!)

Here’s the tip:
The first six months of ‘knowing’ someone, The Weather is the only acceptable subject for you to talk about. 
Pro Tip: The Brits LURVE hearing about how awesome we (Americans) find the weather here. 
example: 
Scene: School Run/Bus Stop/Neighbours/delivery guy
“Wow, it is a bit rainy/sunny/cloudy/windy today! (smile)”
Then the brit grumbles or agrees
“sure was better/worse/same yesterday! Hope it is better/same tomorrow!” (smile)
Brit grumbles or agrees
 
 After you have known them for a bit,  add on the following;
 
“But, I  think the UK has the best weather in the world! I love it here! Really, I would never leave! “(grin)
They will then stare at you, trying to decide if an American is smart enough to be taking the piss. They might even raise an Eyebrow and say…Really?
Then you say
“yeah my mum has 3 feet of snow/tornadoes/hail/heatwave/mosquitoes/sharp shower of frogs!” (basic midwest suck-weather)
 
 
then just shrug and say, yeah, best weather in the world. (no exclamation. this is important.) (smile)
You may find that they even talk to YOU next time!
The thing is, the British ARE friendly. You won’t find better friends. They are extremely loyal, forgiving, funny and inclusive. Once you find yourself inside their bubble and under their wing, you will not be disappointed. You will feel included in ways that you never thought that you could.
Don’t give up if you are an Expat anywhere. Just keep trying, but get as much advice as you can. After 5 years here I have found my best-est friend evar and I am truly blessed.
As always, feel free to leave your experiences in the comments, or just to me. Ask me anything.  I get it, I really do.

I Blog Because… I am an embarrassment, a spokes-person and a goodenough mum.

God I love the emails from folks saying ‘wow, awesome, I hear your voice, it speaks to me’.

I should do stand-up. But I don’t. I blog. So lemme tell you a funny story.

So the other night, I put the kids to bed. Manboy makes dinner. I am playing the Sims 3. I do this most nights. Look, if your choice is Coast, or playing PC games…what would you choose?

I choose Sims. Now, I have been playing The Sims since 1997. OK? So I know my sims. I know Sims, also sims 2, 3 and (thank the gods above) the new sims 4.

These sims I made? They were the most racist, horny fuckers I have ever encountered. And I have partied in New Orleans, Alabama, Ohio, New York and England.

These Sims? just wanted to ..uh…’make love’ and also be as racist as possible. One of their ‘uncle toms’ died and they just Buried him out back. SIGH.They steadfastly refused to have any housekeepers that weren’t black, and if I left them alone for 10 seconds they were all DOGGING lets DO IT …OUTSIDE!

This is very disturbing to me.

Manboy asked me what was wrong,. as I continued to sigh at this foolishness. I said “it is like Gone With The Sims” up in here!

I actually thought he was going to break his back laughing.

This is why I do not do stand up.