OK, England, you are super silly now. I humbly offer my help.

I have been home long enough to complain now. You have issues, England. I am going to help you through this difficult time.

I have written about UK weather here, here and also here, but what I have not done, is explain the basics. I shall do so now.

*deep everlasting sigh*

OK..so there is this thing called winter. In the northern hemisphere it gets cold from November through March. Occasionally, in the winter, water falls from the sky. If it is cold enough, this water might freeze on, or above the ground. This is called Ice and Snow.  It happens. Every year. In the winter. If you are from the UK, please go back and read that again because I am SURE that you don’t get this.

I understand that snow and ice in the UK is a ‘rare’ thing. In the south of the USA, snow is also rare. I understand if you are surprised and possibly stranded. This is totally fair. What is NOT fair is for the third biggest airport in the world to be closed because of a snowflake. Heathrow airport is huge and it is the only way into London, never-mind the rest of Great Britain. It is now closed .Because of a snowflake. FAIL

The BBC helpfully reported that they have 500 people on snow removal. Five HUNDRED people. Five hundred people were not enough to remove a snowflake from the main airport in the worlds best City. For shame.

(it is a wonder that JFK, La Guardia and O’Hare even operate at all. gheesh.)

*Epic sigh*

I had to walk into a store last week and return some horse burgers. Yep, you read that sentence correctly. Apparently, buying 8 hamburgers for one pound means that you have no idea what is in said ‘burgers’. As an American, I was expecting worms, lips and assholes, just like what we get in the USA in our delicious bologna and hot-dogs. NOPE. What we got was almost 30% horse. Horses. Neigh, I am not down with that. Do I look like I am French or something?

The honest reason that I had to return the horse burgers? It was not from a place of honor or of morality. Nope. It was because Manboy said..”I know you. You could keep them and feed them to the kids. But then you would get silly and be all GUESS WHAT YOU JUST ATE! BWAHAHAHA and that would be bad and then you would be sad about it and the kids would cry. Return them. ”

So yeah. Please, England, keep it to lips and assholes of animals that I normally eat.

So just to recap; snow happens, horses shouldn’t.

I love you England, stay classy.

DAD LOOK (with troll bums and dwarf wee)

DAD LOOK happened this weekend and it was a sight to behold.

If you havent read my post MUM LOOK go ahead and read it or this will not make any sense. Go ahead, it’s right here. I’ll wait.

OK, everybody back? Do I have the attention of the class? Hmmm?

Manboy is one of those people who is always poised and full of liquid grace and dignity. I do not think I have ever seen him at a loss for words. He is so not clumsy that it makes my brain bleed. He might get frustrated with the kids, but I have never seen him shout or get so discombobulated that his brain turns to mush, mummy-style.

Until this weekend.

We had our favorite Wraith Child to stay over on Friday. She is Little Stormbringers BFF. She is nocturnal. I have never seen a child who can stay awake like that one.

Saturday we went LARPing at a Dumnonni event. It was Wraith Child’s first Role Playing experience. They ran a brilliant child adventure where we had to collect Fay tears, Dragon blood and Dwarf wee. It was awesome. But soon my kids were starting to get worn out from the late nights, and hiking all over the woods killing giants and ‘kicking man eating trolls up the bum’. (this is funny to British kids. Dont ask)

The next day Little Stormbringer ran in a marathon. It was so cool. She even came in first in her class. BUT on the way to the marathon DAD LOOK happened.

In the UK you can never just drive somewhere and park and go in. No, that would make too much sense. You must drive somewhere, find the furthest possible spot to park your car, pay £1000 and then walk 3 fucking miles to your destination. (This is why we walk near-goddamn-everywhere. Sigh)

On the 3 mile walk to the marathon (I feel stupid just typing that) my kids were both holding hands with Manboy as I ambled behind. I was (AGAIN! IDIOT!) wearing my too big Capri pants, and trying to match Manboy’s exhaustive pace while pulling my trousers up every 10 seconds like an asshole. But he had both kids, and I had a view from behind.

DAD LOOK! A bird!    DAD LOOK! A red car!

DAD LOOK! A sign!   DAD LOOK! Everyone has legs over there!

DAD LOOK! That tree!   DAD LOOK! Look at that roof!

DAD LOOK! I just saw a bug!  DAD LOOK! Is that a unicorn?

DAD LOOK! Another bird!

I found this absolutely hysterical. He is mostly programmed to respond to orders anyway, and he is totally not used to the constant barrage of LOOK. I know that there is never anything to look at that matters. I do believe he had either never experienced this or he had forgotten. His head jerked up at every shout and pointed finger. Until he turned around, STUMBLED and looked at me like this:

I had to stop, grab a belt loop and double over with hysterical laughter. I think there might have even been a tear. I am sure we looked like we had been let out on a weekend pass from the loony bin.

But the DAD LOOK was priceless. One great moment in a very wonderful weekend. 

I give up England, you win! Uncle! Uncle!

I wrote this post a while back and included a paragraph about the total lack of weather here. This was a huge mistake.

I should know this by now. It only snows once every thirty years or so in the South West, but because I kept saying that, there has been more snow here than in the 50 years previous. I reversed that trend this year, and it did not snow.

Yep, I really do control the weather in the UK. I guess this is my superpower. Sorry England!

This is great until I get all asshole about it and start laughing at the UK’s lack of weather. Then the gods punish me and everyone else who has the misfortune to live here. It has gotten so bad that the other mums on the school run automatically blame me when weather happens. I was met today TWICE with the greeting: “this is your fault, isn’t it”. Scowling abounds.

So, since that post we have much weather. It hailed. Frogs fell from the sky. We are having a week of steady rainstorms.

I have been asked (not too politely) to please recant. OK OK There Is Weather Here!! Dammit.

I’m a dork and my kids are racists. Help me.

We got to go to the pound shop today! (dollar store/pound shop I don’t know how to speak anymore)

No, really, I left the house. And went somewhere. With clothes on and everything!

We stocked up on things for the school holiday. Sidewalk chalk, ball, frisby, markers, craft stuff to wreck the house with etc. What did I treat myself to? I bought a feather duster and some tea towels.

WTF? When did I get so freaking boring?!? Really? I didn’t buy any absinth or a peyote tequila worm? I didn’t buy a jaunty new skirt or get something pierced? No. I bought a fucking feather duster y’all. Holy Christ. I must be the lamest person on the planet.

I used to be cool, I swear. Now I buy tea towels as a treat to myself. This is not cool. Is this what my life is going to be like now? I might as well get a hair-net and a mobility scooter. Jesus.

Before this exciting adventure I was looking at the girl’s baby books with them. So cute. The White Rose was sitting on my lap and looking at all of her milestone stickers. Being the second child, she has a far thinner baby book to look at, but I did manage to get all of the stickers stuck. You know the ones: 1st Dr. visit, 1st Halloween, Says MAMA, Finds Toes etc.

(it’s been so long since I had a baby…is it really a big deal when they find their toes?? wow.)

In an attempt to be The Best Mom Ever, I used ALL of the stickers. So she has a sticker for “1st Hanukkah”. I don’t know why. I guess 1st x-mas and 1st winter solstice weren’t enough for me at the time. Don’t judge.

This kid looks up at me and says:

“I’M A JEW? You made me a JEW? You Jerk!!”

Now, I know that I have never, ever used that word that way in front of my kids. I know this because never in my life have I used that word in that way. It would never occur to me to do so. Seriously.

But because I am a total asshole and a terrible parent; I laughed my ass off. This did not help. I’m trying to now have a serious discussion about being inclusive and multicultural and tolerant and ‘we love every colour, shape and creed’ while I am doubled over with laughter. Not cool at all.

Finally I regain some semblance of self-control and ask her where the hell she learned that shit why she would say something like that and why would it be bad if she was Jewish. I mean, in this house we do all of the religions. Well, all of them that I know anything about. But most of them. This is the girl who told me last month that she wanted to be Buddhist. It’s not like we are intolerant assholes. I explained why that was not ok to say and helped her find a place in her mind where she would never think a thing like that again.

Turns out that she just “wants to be like Cartman on South Park” when she grows up. Yikes! The Fuck? What do you even say to that? (other that you are not even allowed to know what South Park is, let alone watch it!)

Where, why….how are…South Park? I mumble. “yeah, on the TV mumma!”

Oh. I thought they were watching Little Bear and SpongeBob up there.

PASS ME THE PARENTAL CONTROLS!!!

Ooops. Massive mum fail. Let’s just chalk this one up to a teaching moment and move on.