My Snail Tried To Run Away, I Am That Embarrassing

I did not think this was a funny story until I told it to someone and they tried to choke to death. I do not think my life is funny, but enjoy the tragedy. Ahem.

So the other day…wait, you will have to understand who Sir Humphrey is and why he is called that. It is important. You can click those links now, or, conversely, wait until you are confused and then come back and click them. Up to you. Not Judging.

So my snail tried to run away. I have a pampered Giant African Land Snail and he tried to go on an adventure. Or something. Manboy had one of our good friends over ‘of an evening’ and I wanted to show Sir Humphry off. “My gosh, have I showed you how BIG he is these days?” I go and get the cage and...no snail.

Now, I do not keep a lid upon my snail because he is an emancipated snail and everything, and he never tries to get out. He just has his cucumber and his fruit and his drinks, and maybe a wee dram of beer on holidays…he has no reason or desire to go anywhere else. He never has. Until he did. And then PANIC. I realize that he is named after the “Sir Humphrey, master of obfuscation and manipulation”, but still.

OMG MANBOY MY SNAIL! (I think i squeed) IS IT IN THERE? WHERE is Sir Humphrey? I was totally calm. I started looking behind all of the furniture. Where does a snail go when it goes? I had no idea. I saw something behind the chest where the  water snails live.

MANBOY!

what?

IS THAT A DOUGH-NUT OR A SNAIL?

I… I am not sure. It could be a doughnut.

WELL I NEED TO KNOW. MY BABY IS MISSING.

OK, well…if you can just move this table…

DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING! MY SNAIL! 

I think maybe if I just look over here…gently….

YOU DIDN’T FUCKING EAT IT DID YOU?

Wha? no hunny. Just let me have a look…

I SWEAR YOU ARE GOING TO FIND MY SNAIL

Yes bunny, could you please have a seat?  \_

It was at this point that I realized that we had guests and that I was still acting as Hostess. And then I gave up. “would you care for another coffee?” just didn’t seem like the thing to say.

So when the furniture was lifted up, Our Guest announced: I see a doughnut and a snail! Huzza!

Huzza indeed. I am now the proud owner of a runaway snail, and the kind of house-keeper that does not know if there are doughnuts behind her furniture. Beautiful.

Please go give some loves to our singers of the high seas, Tricorn Shonkey! Woooo! Tell them that the snail sent you. I hear they give discounts for that sort of thing. (really, not really, but totally maybe.)