I’m about to buy appliances in the UK. This is going to be (stupid/awful) interesting.

Sorry, but this is one thing that Americans do better. We truly are Number one! USA! USA! on this one y’all.

I have written about the superiority of American appliances before. Here. Also here. See my ‘drawings’ link above for why our appliances are so, so much better in the US.  This wonderfully hilarious link sums it up way better than I ever could.  (Bookmark that Slate article for later if you are an expat. nothing.funnier.ever.)

So. I need a new cooker. I am also buying a dryer. I am going to lose my mind. I subscribed to WHICH (Consumer Reports, UK version?) and have done research and I am ready to go for it but my priorities are WAY different to the English ones and I want to scream.

What the Brits (apparently) look for in an appliance:

1) How much gas/electricity will it use?

2) What carbon footprint?

3) How small can you make it?

NO NO NO. Nope. None of that. I do not, nor will I ever care about any of those things. NOPE. Have a seat, England. Here is what I want to know:

1) How much can I amp it up to?

2) Will it do all of the things that I want it to, and impress me with it’s massive ability to do so?

3) How big is the supersized version and when can you make it appear in my house?

Now, this clearly is not going to work. I am trying to be realistic. I need a cooker (I think that is a stove in the US) that is just less than 60 centimeters. (kill me) I need a dryer that will fit through my cupboard door (SOB) so less than 70 centimeters.

Let me rephrase that in inches just so that you Americans can be as outraged as I am. I need a stove that is less than 19 inches. Nineteen motherfucking inches. No appliance should be measured this way. OUTRAGE HAPPENS.(right?)

For you Brits: I cannot fit an Aga in my house. Oh how I wish.

Now, it has been a brilliant summer in the UK and I have had my laundry on the line and have been pleased as punch for months. My family in the US are dying about this. “WHY? A freaking clothes line? Are you insane? What year is it in England 1929?” (yes, yes it is.)

Honestly, It has been fine to just hang out the stupid laundry. But now it is not summer and I can no longer hang stuff out to ‘dry’. I need a dryer. In the UK they call these a tumble dryer. I am beginning to think that the real word for this is a tumble trier.

I knew that I wanted a vented dryer and not one of those stupid condenser dryers.

I am going to have to stop here and explain to the Americans. You know your dryer? the one that has a hose out of the back that makes the wet go away? That is ‘vented’. A condenser is one that…(take a deep breath)…you have to empty the water out of as it dries your clothes. Seriously.

So I pick out my vented dryer and WHICH says that it has a carbon footprint of ohgodwhocares and that it does not break and it dries things. Fine. I will have that one. Then I make room in my ‘cupboard’ look at the vent to make sure that i can hook up the hose. Then I get ready to order it and OH MY GOD IT DOES WHAT?!?

It vents out of the front.

Really.

Some of the reviews say that it steams up the room ‘a bit’ (Brit-speak for a LOT)

Some reviews state that it is helpful to have a dehumidifier (I forget the British word for that thing) in the room as ‘it gets a bit wet in the house during use’

NO NO NO.

OMFG England! This can not be a thing at all. (seriously if any of my UK readers have a solution, help me. I am in appliance hell.)

So…ok…maybe a condenser ‘dryer’ would be better.

I shit you not, this is one of the taglines they use to advertise this type of appliance:

“Dries clothes in under four hours”

What the everloving hell.  I could blow on a shirt and make it dry in FOUR HOURS.

See, this here is where ‘they’ get you. They make it so impossible to actually use power and energy to do things that you think; “well, fuck, i’ll just hang the laundry on the radiators!”

Carbon foot print right up the ass, right there.

The cooker? Well, I can get one that is less that 60 cm and (probably) cooks things. But I fail to see how this is going to be any better than the useless thing that heats foods that I already have.

You wanna bake cupcakes? Welp, the thing is, you need to turn the nozzle to the swirrly bit and then toggle the weeping astrisk and then turn them ’round half way through because GLOBALWARMING and…what were you cooking again? BEEP! Also, I have set your useful smoke alarm off because you are not allowed to cook.

Can someone help me buy appliances that, like, work? Is this a completely fruitless mission? Do I need my attitude adjusted so that I can buy appliances in the UK that i will not like at all serve my purpose?